Chapter 172July 14, 1959

(Letter to Mother from Satprem, once again in Pondicherry)

Pondicherry, July 10, 1959 Mother,

Please excuse me, but I cannot come to meet you. My heart is broken. I would not know how to speak to you.

A moment ago I barely found the strength not to kill myself. Destiny has repeated itself once again, but this time it was not I who rejected her, as in past existences, it is she who rejected me: ‘Too late.’ For a moment, I thought I was going to go crazy too, so much pain did I have – then finally I said, ‘May Thy Will be done,’ (that of the Supreme Lord) and I kept repeating, ‘Thy Grace is there, even in the greatest suffering.’ But I am broken, rather like a living dead man. So be happy, for I will never wear the white robe that Guruji gave me.

You will understand that I do not have the strength to come to see you. My only strength is not to rebel, my only strength is to believe in the Grace in the face of everything. I believe I have too much grief in my heart to rebel against anything at all. I seem to have a kind of great pity for this world.

Well, this time I shall remain silent.

Adieu, Mother.

Signed: Satprem

(Letter to Mother from Satprem)

Pondicherry, July 14, 1959

Tuesday evening Sweet Mother,

This is what I should have told you this morning, but I was afraid. For the last month I have been afraid of you, afraid that you might not understand. But I cannot leave with this weight on me. something to create with Sujata, I feel she is absolutely a part of something I have to achieve, that we have something to achieve together. For the five years we have known each other I have never had a single wrong thought – but suddenly she opened my heart, which had been so completely