Chapter 3February 11, 1967

a slight tipping over and they start going wrong, they start protesting. But if there is observation, there is the action of the inner "mentor" that tells them, "Now, all sensations can be borne almost to their highest degree: it's quite simply a bad habit and a lack of plasticity. Calm down and see what happens." (Something of the sort.) Then they are docile, they calm down, and... everything falls flat. Falls flat, and then... the allergic reaction is over. So I think I've learned the knack! That's why I answered the doctor with such force.

It's very amusing. That way you learn things. Only, how to communicate this to people? I don't know.

It's a subtle, keen, minute observation. At the same time, there is another factor (oh, there are several methods). You have a small material action to do (quite uninteresting in itself, but anyway, it has to be done) and there is that same inner disquiet which can cause things to tip over on the wrong side any moment; if the consciousness – the total consciousness of the body – is busy with something else, the difficulty dies down without your noticing it. So the possibility is there of keeping the consciousness interested in something else. But then the possibility of illness or disorder isn't cured. So it's a constant choice between the work of transformation and (or) an equilibrium sufficient to go on with the general work.

I could write volumes, it's very, very interesting. It's being organized.

We don't really understand the value of the microscopic.

Yes! Yes, exactly.

(Regarding Mother's "Agenda." Satprem is sorting out a huge stack of files.)

...Now that bits are coming out in the Bulletin, lots of people are beginning to be very, very interested and want to know. They ask me, "But are you saying everything?" I answer, "Everything, that's impossible. But I am saying more." Then, "Can't we know?" – No one would understand a thing.

When it's completely over, we'll see.

I am telling you this so you know this work isn't wholly in vain.

Oh, but I'm sure it's not in vain, I am convinced of it! I don't need to be reassured.

It will be a monument! It's better to leave it as a monument, not to publish it in bits: massive, a thick

Do you want me to start preparing an edition (!)

No, no! When I have caught hold of the end, we'll publish it – I haven't caught hold of the end yet, far from it. Far from it. All these lessons I am given12 are like lashes to tell me, "There, you must be ready for anything." All right. It's not in vain.

Oh, surely not! These old Agenda conversations I read again once they have been typed are full of

light!

I don't know.

Oh, but I know!

When she [Sujata] has finished typing, we'll see.

We fell behind a lot during my illness, when I was in that hospital.

But it was also a long period from which nothing is left. It's going to leave a gap. There was nothing: I didn't talk, didn't speak to anyone. It has left a gap.

* * * Soon afterwards:

I'd really like to know what it is I'm up to at night. It's never been so totally unconscious, without

ever seeing you – there's nothing, complete unconsciousness.

With me too, the last few nights... And it has been deliberate: the last few nights (for a week, maybe), how can I explain?... There are no more "excursions," I no longer go about.

Last night, for instance (I return to the outward consciousness two or three times every night), I noticed V. had gone out.13 Naturally I saw the consequences and went on considering how I should manage. Well, I noticed (she went out around two; every day I get up at 4:30), I noticed that during those two and a half hours I didn't sleep ("didn't sleep," I mean I didn't exteriorize). And I wasn't "thinking" (thank God!), there was simply a kind of consciousness watching. And time went by with such fantastic speed that I was myself dumbfounded. I thought it was going to be long waiting for the time to get up, for 4:30, but it was absolutely outside time, absolutely outside time. Yet I remained in my body.

So then, this incident made me realize that I seem to be learning a new way of resting without going 12Recently, the illness of Mother's attendant: the only somewhat positive element among those immediately near Mother. She will have to leave Mother's service in August, 1970. After that there will be no positive elements left near Mother. Hence the following sentence.