Chapter 3Undated (March) 1962

pie.

It's that old habit, the old fear of being lazy. It took me.... But Sri Aurobindo cured me of that rather quickly. That's how it was before I met him. And that's the first thing he did: he gave me a tap on the head, and all activity ceased – total silence, all mental constructions and habits swept away... in the blink of an eye.

I was very careful not to let it come back.

Then, afterwards, well.... He mentions it when he explains mental equality64 – that a state is reached where one is unable to initiate any activity; only the stimulus of an impulsion from above can move you. So you do nothing, you just stay like that, perfectly immobile in your mind (not only physically – especially in your mind): you don't initiate anything.

Before, the mind was always creating, setting actions, wills and movements into motion, producing consequences; and it's very frightening when that stops – you feel you're becoming an idiot. But it's quite the opposite! No more ideas, no more will, no more impulsions, nothing. You act only when something makes you act, without knowing why or how.

This "something" doesn't come from below, of course, it mustn't come from below. But that condition can truly be achieved only when all the work below has been completed.

(At the beginning of this conversation Mother has Pavitra called in to discuss certain letters and

controversies concerning a teacher at the Ashram School.)

You know how children get together and play court or school or army... you know how serious they can be, don't you?

(Pavitra:) Yes, Mother.

And if someone makes a mistake, how he's punished!... Well, that's exactly how you all seem to me – children at play! That's the trouble. So I just start laughing, I can't take you seriously. You are all too serious to be taken seriously! That's the trouble. I took your papers very seriously; I wanted to be done with it all and I tried.... But as soon as I began to read your letters, your reports, I immediately pictured children on a playground (Mother takes on a solemn tone): "Now we are going to play court... now we are going to play school...." That's what I saw. "It's like this and NOT like that and be sure you don't

(Pavitra:) But Mother, I had no intention of making any decision; but when S. sends one letter, two letters, and then asks for Mother's reply, I have no other option but to turn to you.

But Mother does NOT WANT to make a decision because... because the solution doesn't depend on any decision from me. I can tell you how it is (you didn't ask me, but it doesn't matter – I will tell you anyway): S.'s interests lie elsewhere; he is interested in something different and that's his own business – I know it, we all know it. He holds his class at the school as a kind of duty, to do something "for the Ashram"; he does it in all seriousness, using what he knows (he has knowledge), but rigidly – work is work, no fooling around. Besides, he has no real liking for the students or any interest in whether they comprehend or make progress or not. That's how it is. He browbeats them in class, and the students are bored.

(Pavitra:) Yes, Mother, it's true.

The problem isn't what he teaches, but how he teaches it – and what are you going to do about that?

(Pavitra:) I'm going to leave it as it is and simply tell him you said we should continue as before.

No, I find his proposal reasonable, because if we say "the course is optional," no one will attend.

(Mother explains certain things)

If you tell him that, it should probably work out. So go and keep your faith (with an ironic smile): may God bless you!

Yes, Mother. (Pavitra leaves.)

(To Satprem:) It's a shame – I just can't take them seriously!

Here (Mother gives flowers): this one is magnificent.... And how are your pigeons [some white pigeons]?... I am interested in your pigeons now!

They're lovely.

Well, mon petit, X won't be coming until after April 14. Yes, he has changed his plans. He is ill, rather seriously it seems.

Yes, for a long time now.

And naturally it's getting worse – he does hours of puja. Far too many. It should be balanced by at least an hour of running!

Oh, let's get to work....