Chapter 8November 27, 1962

I know; some people have even fallen ill. But I am at the mercy of such things,223 you understand, that's exactly what's happening. At times you feel that as far as health goes, you've fallen into a dreadful hole, so....

The body was starting to manifest the Force and, honestly, I was envisaging taking on more activities again. But this last thing has come like a sudden blow to tell me it isn't possible and I have to be careful. So that's that.

I don't recall whether it was last night or the night before, but I saw you with him, the two of you were busy with the book. And Sri Aurobindo was pleased. When I saw him (I was there, seeing the two of you), I thought, "Well, if Satprem could see this (laughing), at least he'd be pleased for once."

Well, yes!

In a place full of light.

Now, read me the next part.

I don't know why, but I'm more and more unconscious.

Unconscious?

Oh yes, more and more. Previously I used to remember a little – now nothing. Nothing! It's funny.

It's because you're not going to the same place as before. You understand, you're going to places (laughing) you're still not very used to. The link isn't well established.

But I did see you, and you were very concrete – it wasn't an image!

And as I told you, I even remarked, "Well, if he were conscious of this, he'd be pleased."

I should say so!

(Mother laughs) Besides, you looked completely at ease, right at home. And Sri Aurobindo was... he was satisfied.

It's something. He is pleased – he's pleased with you, with your work.

That's true!

(Mother laughs)

* * * A little later:

Did you come to the meditation on the 24th?224 What did you feel?... Nothing special?

The big difference compared to my meditations at home is that immediately there's complete immobility – and with no difficulty. It's truly immobile.

I myself had an experience lasting the full half hour of the meditation.

Nothing was left but an immensity, without beginning, without end, neither in space nor in time – outside time. Outside time and space: an immensity of light. It was something of the same nature as light, but not light – far brighter, far... not bright: far more intense than light. It was white, but not our physical white; it was a white... at the time I couldn't define it. Afterwards, looking at it again in my consciousness, it seemed to be the light of a gold turned white, you understand: like when you bring something to white heat. Well, it was like gold becoming white through its intensity. It was ABSOLUTELY immobile – that is, I had the feeling you get in Sat.225 Yet that immobility contained (how shall I put it?)... yes, it actively contained – although its action wasn't perceptible – a sort of infinite Power, which could be the creative Power. And directed by an unmanifest Consciousness.... If you can make anything out of this, good for you!

Everything was like that, and without thought – I am now trying to put it into words. And at the center of that immensity was a concentration of white light as we know it (far more intense), but denser, forming a sort of cube that was relatively tiny in the immensity, but nonetheless quite perceptible. It was vibrant, fluid, condensed, concentrated, and tremendously active. And all that immensity converged there (how?) without moving. And from there, it was spreading everywhere, without going out.

In order to be discernible, the cube was enveloped in something that looked like a kind of tulle, a tulle made of a pale gray substance, which expressed the individual nonexistence, the perfect humility that completely abolishes the ego: because of that there wasn't the least possibility of ego – if you ask me why, I can't say, but that's how it was. And I was seeing that tulle all the time – something extremely delicate, scarcely perceptible, yet maintaining the cube's form. It was perfect humility (in the divine sense) and total absence of ego – there wasn't even the memory or idea of it, nothing whatever: the abolition of the ego. And it served to receive that immobile immensity which manifested through an action of the Power. And then, the action of the Power.... I was conscious ("I" was conscious – where 224The November 24 Darshan.

understand the whole thing. And I could discern all the action being done through the cube: this action for that thing, this for that, this for that... the whole earth (gesture expressing forces radiating outward, each for a special purpose), things from the past and things FAR into the future.

And it was so imperative! It took me a long while to formulate it. What I am telling you now came gradually, slowly, through a sort of silent revelation. At the moment, it was nothing but Sat, an immobile Existence.

I didn't seek this experience, nothing. I simply sat down.... The previous time,226 there was that massive presence of Sri Aurobindo.

I had been forewarned that this time it would be different (besides, I've never had the same experience twice), but this was utterly unexpected – it didn't come as a response to a will to know or anything at all. I seemed to be simply faced with a fact: it was shown to me. I was witness to my own experience, that's all. And I was absolutely certain of its meaning – as when you KNOW and there's no need to discuss or elaborate or explain: that's how it is. And when it was gone, it was gone suddenly, and nothing remained but a blissful tranquillity, a sort of absolute certainty that things ARE like that. Although the appearances may seem altogether different, things ARE like that.

(silence)

And the charm, the charm of the substance enveloping the cube was inexpressible! Something... I can't describe. There were no contrasts, no... the whole thing was in total harmony. Of course, to say it resembled tulle is a crude comparison – a very, very fine tulle, and gray.... Do you know that little wild grass I've named " Humility"?227

Yes, it's silver, silver-gray.

Is it silver, is it...? It's indefinable. That's just what makes that grass so exquisite. Well, the tulle was that color. Afterwards, a long time after, when I began to observe and to... not actually "think," but to try to formulate it, I noticed the color was identical. "Now I know why I named it Humility!" I said to myself. It's like being in a domain where things are known quite naturally, you understand – there's no seeking.

How lovely it was! The sense of delicate beauty in things. And then the whole time, the body's sensation was.... You see, it no longer has... the sense of its separate form is reduced to a minimum (Mother touches her hands as if seeking the body's limits), but in that experience it had completely vanished. There wasn't even the sense of identity with the cube, because it was self-evident – everything was self-evident. I can't even say "I" was looking – nothing was looking, everything was self-evident.228 226The August 15 Darshan.

227Strobilanthes kunthianus.

228Next time, Mother added: "There wasn't 'someone' haying the experience, there was no 'I' anywhere, not even the feeling of the Universal Mother seeing the experience – no. There was the experience. To be more specific I could say, 'I was the

But it was the Manifestation at that PARTICULAR moment – perhaps a very long moment, I don't know – it was one moment of the Manifestation. THAT was the Manifestation; all we see, all we think and understand was nothing, unsubstantial. But THAT.... And with a kind of.... You see, the bliss you experience isn't something you feel as such (you don't feel you are in bliss, it's not like that; you don't feel yourself, there is no awareness of any "you" involved in it): the thing is self-existent, that's all there is to it.

The experience lasted half an hour, unwavering.

Afterwards I began to remember, and as I began to remember, I began to explain, but of course the total truth is somewhere else!

But the body very distinctly feels that things are ALWAYS that way. Always that way. And that everything... oh, the feeling of just how artificial all life's complications and problems are, and how different it could be! That's always in the background. For example, whenever the body feels ill at ease or something isn't working right, there's always a kind of deep feeling behind that it's just bad habits – which are lingering, fading away, losing their force and becoming more and more unreal. But it's... it's like a machine that takes time to run down.

In the other consciousness (the human consciousness), you have the joy, the excitement of the experience; that has completely gone away, absolutely. There's neither the joy of the experience nor the wonder nor.... Everything is so obvious, so obvious: that's IT. And it's not something you're looking at: it's LIKE THAT. That's all, it's just like that.

Somewhere in the active consciousness something KNOWS, constantly, that all the complications and miseries and misfortunes (I mean all the things we call life's "misfortunes") are... a bad habit, nothing more. And it's hard for us to change our habits. Yet THE TIME HAS COME to change habits.

It's just a bad habit. I can see I am still (and God knows how long it will last!) in that transitional period Sri Aurobindo describes in "The Yoga of Self-Perfection." A period when the true thing is getting established but the tail of the old thing trails behind, mixes in and colors things. Well, it's an old habit, and it takes SUCH a long time to go away.

The habit of not understanding something unless it can be mentally explained is disastrous, for instance. This feeling we have that we don't understand something unless we can explain it – that's really disastrous. That half-hour's experience was something absolute, you see, not for one second was there any concern to know what was going on (naturally!); it was absolute. And only when the time was up and I had to come out of it did I start wondering, "What happened? What does it mean?" It wasn't even that pronounced. It's simply an old habit, what we call "understanding."

A bad habit.

To live THAT spontaneously, all the time – how wonderful it would be!

(silence)

And the Power! The Power was tremendous. And I could see in detail everything it was doing, but in another way. I can say it was a certainty (I knew exactly what it was doing), but I couldn't have described it with the words we use here.

(silence)

that, putting some order into matter (there's a very strong tendency to bring order – an order of a higher logic – into SMALL material things) – why?" Then the reply came, not in words but very clearly: "Don't worry (Mother laughs). It has to be this way and it's a time of transition."

A time will come when it will all be done automatically, but right now that would be impossible. As it is, the way the Force acts is already making people here a little... disoriented – it's verging on being unintelligible to them. In other words, it's beginning to obey another law. For instance, to know at the exact moment what needs to be done or said, what's going to happen – if there's the slightest bit of concern or concentration to know, it doesn't come. But if I am just like that, simply in a kind of inner immobility, then for all the little details of life, I know at the exact moment. What needs to be said comes: you say this. And not like an order from outside: it just comes, there it is. What needs to be said is there, the reply that needs to be sent is there; the person who enters, enters – you're not forewarned. You do things in a kind of automatic way. In the mental world, you think of something before doing it (it may happen very fast, but both movements are distinct); here it isn't like that.

This is beginning to be a rather constant occurrence. It's already very baffling for all those who live with me, but if I were as I should be, I think it would be quite intolerable.

We must, we must have the endurance for the transition. There has to be a transition.

(silence)

Well, mon petit.

None of this can be put in writing!

Of course it can!

More and more I feel the inadequacy of words. Words, images, everything we say: as soon as we say it... the power and truth of the thing escape.

Yet speech does exist, the spoken word exists, because it has its place – but how can it be made effective?... That will probably come later.

Yes, the mantra.

We'd need another language.

Yes, the mantra! Certain words or vibrations that have a power.

(long silence)

A whole world....

One day, I don't remember on what occasion, I saw what had motivated the "forefathers" who wrote the Vedas: it was the need for immortality; they were in quest of immortality.229 From there, I went on to Buddha and saw what had set the Buddha on his way: this kind of need for permanence, purely and simply; the vision of the impermanence of things had profoundly troubled him, and he felt the need for