Chapter 2September 9, 1972

You see, they firmly believe there’s life after the body’s death – the body’s death to them is in no way the end of life.

They only believe in some sort of heaven, that’s all.

(Laughing) Yes, murderers’ heaven!

(long silence)

Eating is becoming almost – almost impossible. Nor do I have the faintest idea of what will replace food (Mother sweeps her hand across her forehead): I don’t see anything.

Everything is becoming... I can’t say a suffering, but a discomfort: a discomfort, there’s perpetual discomfort, as if my body were made to live through every single thing that must disappear. Nonstop. From time to time, for a few seconds there’s... (Mother opens eyes filled with wonder), but not even long enough to be able to define it. And it’s very rare. Whereas the other condition is almost constant. Everything – external things, internal things, things in so-called others, things concerning this body – all, all is terrible, terrible, terrible....

That’s certainly how Buddha saw things, and why he said that life was a falsehood and had to disappear – but I know better! I KNOW it isn’t a falsehood. But it must change... must change.... But in the meantime....

Only when I am (gesture, hands open) absolutely silent within and everywhere... does it becomes tolerable.

(silence)

I feel a fantastic Power (Mother touches her fingertips), but... also sense a little person full of... (how can I put this?) containing all the things that must disappear. As if all the negations had accumulated here so that I do the work, and I don’t know who that “I” is anymore.

The body, this poor body, is not happy – it isn’t unhappy either. It has a sensation of nonexistence. Everything it encounters, the entire organization of things, its entire life is the negation of what it sees as the... Beauty to be realized. That’s all.

(Mother plunges in)