Chapter 5December 13, 1972

Mother, For the past several nights, my body seems to have been physically tortured all night long. I keep tossing and turning in pain. Also I feel as if my stomach is being clawed. I am afraid that if this goes on, I am actually going to fall ill. In the morning when I come out of it, I feel as if my body were full of poison.114

Satprem For me life is a torture if I am not exclusively turned to the Divine. That’s the only remedy; otherwise, it’s true, life is a torture. Existing becomes intolerable.

The only remedy is to be like this... (gesture, hands turned upward in contemplative silence)... when time ceases to exist.

Weren’t we supposed to have a meditation?

A meditation?

Yes, Mother, you said you wanted to try an experiment with me. You said you wanted to take me with you into that consciousness....

Would you like to?

Yes, if you’d like to!

Well, personally, I am always there. So.... What’s difficult for me is to become conscious of the world as it is.

What did I tell you last time?

You said you wanted to try an experiment. You wanted to take me with you into that consciousness to see my sensation.

114I now wonder whether I was not, in my own measure, beginning to learn the painful lesson of oneness, which starts with all the ambient ill-will. Now I understand fully well that there must be no more “person” in order to withstand all that. If