Chapter 5May 16, 1970

(Mother’s voice is quite husky.)

No voice.... But it doesn’t matter.... Can you hear me?...

If you have questions, you can ask them.

Things feel as if they’re grating and difficult.

Yes, yes.

(long contemplation)

I can remain like this twenty-four hours a day.

Eating has become a problem....

(silence)

Sometimes one catches a glimpse of the heroism it takes to do the work you’re doing....

(Mother laughs) The body is enduring enough, I can’t complain. If there were a certitude, if, for instance, Sri Aurobindo said, “This and this and this is like this,” then it would be very easy! But what’s difficult is... You see, you are surrounded by people who think you’re ill and treat you as such, while you know you’re not ill. But everything, everything is shattered... disrupted.

Now and then, rarely – rarely – now and then there is bliss all of a sudden. It lasts a few seconds. Maybe that’s actually the way to tell me, “This is how the end will be”? But you are surrounded by a certainty that you’re fast moving towards the end, so this poor body is like this (wobbly gesture). It isn’t concerned with it, but it doesn’t have a certitude of how it will end. So all it can do is to be tranquil, trusting, and... endure.

(long silence)

I had a bizarre dream the other day.

Oh?

Two nights ago, shortly before dawn, I was with you and you were “outside.” We seemed to be walking together, I was walking with you in a street. It was outdoors. Then you told me, “But why don’t you ask me questions about the outside world?” Then you started talking about China, and you said, if I understood well, that China was going to... sweep over the world.

Bah!

I don’t know what that means. But it was outdoors. And one detail, for example: I tape-recorded what you said, and I realized there was in the distance the old machine we used when you were