Chapter 46March 3, 1957

(Letter from Mother to Satprem)

3.3.57 you love.

Signed: Mother

(Letter to Mother from Satprem)

Pondicherry, April 9, 1957 Mother, For I SEE that, were I to give in now, I would be done for – there would be no alternative but to live out the rest of my days in the Ashram. But everything in me rebels at this idea. The idea of winding up as General Secretary of the Ashram, like Pavitra, makes my skin crawl. It is absurd, and do not want to end up like that.

For more than a year now, I have been hypnotized by the idea that if I give in, I will be ‘condemned’ to remain here. Once more, forgive me for speaking so absurdly, for of course I know it is not a ‘condemnation’; and yet a part of me feels that it would be.

Thus I am so tense that I do not even want to close my eyes to meditate for fear of yielding. And