Chapter 44January 1, 1957

A power greater than that of Evil

can alone win the victory.

It is not a crucified

but a glorified body

that will save the world.

(Letter to Mother from Satprem)

Pondicherry, January 18, 1957 Sweet Mother, The conflict that is tearing me apart is between this shadowy part of a past that does not want to die, and the new light. I wonder if, rather than escaping to some desert, it would not be wiser to resolve this conflict by objectify it, by writing this book I spoke to you about.

But I would like to know whether it is really useful for me to write this book, or whether it is not just some inferior task, a makeshift.

You told me one day that I could be ‘useful’ to you. Then, by chance, I came across this passage from Sri Aurobindo the other day: ‘Everyone has in him something divine, something his own, a chance of perfection and strength in however small a sphere which God offers him to take or refuse.’

Could you tell me, as a favor, what this particular thing is in me which may be useful to you and serve you? If I could only know what my real work is in this world ... All the conflicting impulses in me stem from my being like an unemployed force, like a being whose place has not yet been determined.

What do you see in me, Mother? Is it through writing that I shall achieve what is to be achieved – or does all this still belong to a nether world? But if so, then of what use am I? If I were good at something, it would give me some air to breathe.

Your child,

Signed: Bernard