Chapter 160June 3, 1959

he had already sent once before. So I went to your house, I took you in my arms and pressed you tightly to my heart to keep you as sheltered as possible from blows, and I let Kali do her warrior dance against this titan who is always trying to possess you, creating this rebelliousness in you. She must have at least partially succeeded in her work, because very early in the morning the titan went away somewhat discomfited, but while leaving, he flung this at me as he went by: ‘You will regret it, for you would have had less trouble if he had left.’ I flung his suggestion back in his face with a laugh and told him, ‘Take that, along with all the rest of your ugly person! I have no need of it!’ And the atmosphere cleared up.

have seemed like boasting. Also the misunderstanding created by the distance made you hear other words than those I uttered.

(Letter to Mother from Satprem, while travelling)

Rameswaram, June 3, 1959 Sweet Mother,

On your behalf, I told X that you had been worried about me. He, too, had felt that things were not going well and had ‘worked’ on his side. He told me to write you immediately to tell you that ‘everything is all right.’

... ... ... ... Also, I explained to him that a mantra had come to you which you were repeating between 5 and 6 in particular, and I told him about this culminating point where you wanted to express your gratitude, enthusiasm, etc., and about the French mantra. After explaining, I gave him your French and Sanskrit texts. He felt and understood very well what you wanted. His first reaction after reading it was to say, ‘Great meaning, great power is there. It is all right.’ I told him that apart from the meaning of the mantra, you wanted to know if it was all right from the ‘vibrational’ standpoint. He told me that he would take your text to his next puja and would repeat it himself to see. He should have done that this morning, but he has a fever (since his return from Madurai, he has not been well because of a cold and sunstroke). I will write you as soon as I know the result of his ‘test.’

Regarding me, this is more or less what he said: ‘First of all, I want an agreement from you so that under any circumstances you never leave the Ashram. Whatever happens, even if Yama149 comes to dance at your door, you should never leave the Ashram. At the critical moment, when the SARVAM MAMA BRAHMAN [Thou art my sole refuge]. Here in Rameswaram, we are going to meditate together for 45 days, and the Asuric-Shakti may come with full strength to attack, and I shall try my best not only to protect but to destroy, but for that, I need your determination. It is only by your own determination that I can get strength. If the force comes to make suggestions: lack of adventure, lack of Nature, lack of love, then think that I am the forest, think that I am the sea, think that I am the wife (!!)’ Meanwhile, X has nearly doubled the number of repetitions of the mantra that I have to say every day (it is the same mantra he gave me in Pondicherry). X repeated to me again and again that I am not merely a ‘disciple’ to him, like the others, but as if his son.

This was a first, hasty conversation, and we did not discuss things at length. I said nothing. I have no confidence in my reactions when I am in the midst of my crises of complete negation. And truly speaking, at the time of my last crisis in Pondicherry, I do not know if it was really X’s occult working that set things right, for personally (but perhaps it is an ignorant impression), I felt that it was thanks to Sujata and her childlike simplicity that I was able to get out of it.

In any event, since I left Pondicherry, I have been living like a kind of robot (it began in the train); I am empty, void of the least feeling for whomever it may be. I keep going by a kind of acquired momentum, but actually I feel completely anesthetized.

Excuse my handwriting. I am writing to you lying on the floor of the dharamshala150 near X’s house, for the ‘hut’ meant for me is not yet ready.

... ... ... ...

Suddenly, last evening, X went furiously on the warpath against the Indian ‘Congress’151 and with an irrefutable tone, like someone who knows, began making very interesting predictions.

Before five months are over (in September, October or November), Pakistan will attack India with the help or the complicity or the military resources of the United States. And at about the same time, China will attack India because of the Dalai Lama, under the pretext that India is supporting the Dalai Lama and that thousands of Tibetan refugees are escaping into India to carry on anti- Chinese activities. Then America will offer its support to India against China and then, said X, ‘We shall see what will be the political policy of the Congress Party, which pretends to be unaligned with any bloc. If India accepts American aid, there will be no more Pakistan but rather American troops to prevent conflicts between Muslims and Hindus, and a single government for both countries.’ I pointed out to X that this sounded very much like a world war ...

Then he made the following comparison: ‘When you throw a pebble into a pond, there is just one center, one point where it falls, and everything radiates out from this center. There are two such centers in the world at present, two places where there are great vibrations: one is India and Pakistan, and that will radiate all over Asia. And the other is ... ‘

In any case, I had never heard him attacking the Congress as he did yesterday evening, almost violently.

That is all, Sweet Mother. In spite of my anesthesia, I think of you. (I am not blocked; on the contrary, it seems to me that the bond has been renewed since our last meeting, but I feel strangely empty.) I am unable to understand how you can love me. Oh Mother, I have truly to begin living, truly loving! Your child,

Signed: Satprem 150A caravansary, or Indian style shelter.

151Indian National Congress: the formative freedom organization against the British that became India’s major